BIRKENHEAD NEWS EXCLUSIVE: There were unprecedented scenes last night as votes were counted at Wallasey Town Hall.

Shortly after 2 a.m. Lillets Party candidate Mrs Doreen O'Tuttle (57) made a gracious concession speech, having failed to secure her target of three votes. She then settled into a corner seat to toast her success with a jeroboam of sweet sherry.

'Peninsular'

Shortly after, she was seen to be approached by international observer Jose Manuel Barrosso (63), believed to be from the Iberian Peninsular.
"Madame Tottie, I embrace you. It is an honour 2 meet you, and I am 2 2 sorry that you have only managed 2 get 2 votes," he greeted her.

'Prenton'

At this, Dorothy (67) rose magnificently to her feet, and responded: "Embrace? Embrace?? I'll give you embrace, Mr Bare Arsehole!"

Oblivious to the stunnned silence that had fallen over the chamber, O'Toole (49) continued with her tirade: "You come over here, you can't talk proper like we do in Eng-er-land, and you come from a country that's half the size of Prenton, you pervy little man".

'Wrexham Line electrification always possible'

Turning to the News, Mrs [that nutter candidate, you know, whatsername] then demanded: "Oi, you, with the Welsh look about you. You should be ashamed of yourself working for that bloody outfit. Did you used to be a Merseyrail guard?"

Mr Barrosso (14) cried out at this point: "This is obviously a bogus candidate. I demand that you immediately summon the Asbo Cops!"

'Juicy'

An hour later, two community support officers (62 and 64) hobbled in. Mrs Tutu (75) fled to the far side of the chamber and hid behind the Borough Beadle (97).

At this point a freestyle writer, Justice Done (39), offered to "point out the annoying old bat". Boris sprang forward and clasped the hack's forehead to her ample bust. "Juicy," she cried out,"how can you betray me like this? We've had our difficulties, I know, but you can't deny that we are as one soul in two bodies!"

"Fucking. Well. Are. Not." snarled Dune (22).

And with that he left.