It's May, and Oxton goes to the polls on Thursday to elect a new Liberal Democrat councillor.

I say new advisedly, because I've just had a lovely letter from Freda, who's retiring. "For the past eight years it has been my privilege to represent Oxton on Wirral Borough Council and those eight years have been among the most fulfilling of my life". Ah, bless!

"I shall certainly miss the many friends I have made in Oxton and I hope I have been able to make some small impact our local community". Oh, Freda dear, don't fret, you have made a small impact, you really have. But I shall always treasure the memory of you at my little soirees, cocoa dribbling off your chins onto my rattan rug.

"However, it is likely that I shall be moving down south in the next year or two." Oh, Freddie, cryptic as ever.

Lovely lady. No really. Face like a dessicated goat, but then we can't all know about black cohosh, can we?

"I must say the decision has been much easier, knowing that in Paula Southwood we have a first-rate candidate who will be an outstanding councillor if she is elected next Thursday." If she is elected? The LibDems could put up a lesbian paedophile asylum seeking gypsy glue sniffer in Oxton and they'd win. In fact I myself represented the Liberal interest for a number of years until I was deselected because of that unfortunate misunderstanding over hypothecation.

"She has slotted seamlessly into the FOCUS Team." Good to see that the old traditions are still alive! "Her energy and outgoing personality...." Quite. Still, good to see some new blood in the Village.

Talking of new blood, imagine my surprise at discovering the Libs have a new leader! And if it isn't old Minger Campbell!

I had the pleasure of meeting Minger at a particularly Liberal assembly in 1969. "Did you know I used to be the fastest white man on the planet?" he whispered in my ear at a fringe meeting on image recycling. And sure enough, that night he finished first again!

I've also received a leaflet (red, how quaint!) from the socialist. "Vote for David and a Labour Council which has.....". Labour Council? Muesli on my keyboard! Doesn't he know Wirral's been well hung for years?

More soon.