Do you have a favorite poet? I have, and her name is Pam Ayres. This is what she's written about our Deputy Prime Minister.

I am ready Mr Prescott
You can take me in your arms
All these years I've waited
To experience your charms
So fling aside those trousers
I hope they're quick release
For all that hanky panky's
Made you clinically obese

I like a man of substance
I like a man of size
Especially when I'm measuring
The bags beneath their eyes
If anyone insulted me
I have no doubt at all
You'd leap to my defence
And punch the blighter through the wall

I like you Mr Prescott
A constant watch I keep
To see you on TV
Sat next to Tony, fast asleep
So I'm waiting Mr Prescott
My toothbrush in my bag
To see your chiselled jaw
Behind the wheel of either Jag

A man like you is dangerous
A man like you is trouble
Just like a row of houses
You demolished me to rubble
With one hand on the tiller
As steady as a rock
And the other disappearing
Up the secretary's frock!

BIRKENHEAD NEWS EXCLUSIVE: There were unprecedented scenes last night as votes were counted at Wallasey Town Hall.

Shortly after 2 a.m. Lillets Party candidate Mrs Doreen O'Tuttle (57) made a gracious concession speech, having failed to secure her target of three votes. She then settled into a corner seat to toast her success with a jeroboam of sweet sherry.

'Peninsular'

Shortly after, she was seen to be approached by international observer Jose Manuel Barrosso (63), believed to be from the Iberian Peninsular.
"Madame Tottie, I embrace you. It is an honour 2 meet you, and I am 2 2 sorry that you have only managed 2 get 2 votes," he greeted her.

'Prenton'

At this, Dorothy (67) rose magnificently to her feet, and responded: "Embrace? Embrace?? I'll give you embrace, Mr Bare Arsehole!"

Oblivious to the stunnned silence that had fallen over the chamber, O'Toole (49) continued with her tirade: "You come over here, you can't talk proper like we do in Eng-er-land, and you come from a country that's half the size of Prenton, you pervy little man".

'Wrexham Line electrification always possible'

Turning to the News, Mrs [that nutter candidate, you know, whatsername] then demanded: "Oi, you, with the Welsh look about you. You should be ashamed of yourself working for that bloody outfit. Did you used to be a Merseyrail guard?"

Mr Barrosso (14) cried out at this point: "This is obviously a bogus candidate. I demand that you immediately summon the Asbo Cops!"

'Juicy'

An hour later, two community support officers (62 and 64) hobbled in. Mrs Tutu (75) fled to the far side of the chamber and hid behind the Borough Beadle (97).

At this point a freestyle writer, Justice Done (39), offered to "point out the annoying old bat". Boris sprang forward and clasped the hack's forehead to her ample bust. "Juicy," she cried out,"how can you betray me like this? We've had our difficulties, I know, but you can't deny that we are as one soul in two bodies!"

"Fucking. Well. Are. Not." snarled Dune (22).

And with that he left.

Birkenhead MP "Mad Frankie" Field wants to round up 100 pensioners who can't pay their Council Tax and throw them in jail.

Another reason not to vote for them.

I've just been to do my democratic duty at Oxton St Saviour's Primary School for the Distressed Middle Classes, only to discover what a total and complete tits up Dougie has managed this year. Yes, he only forgot my nomination papers, so I'm not on the ballot!

Well I got straight on the telephone to Lilac Party election supremo Hyacinth Dunnett and it turns out I'm in luck! Apparently Wirral's been chosen to pilot the new "write in whoever you fancy" scheme to increase democratic participation, so you can just "write me in"! And it gets better; Wirral's also been picked for a pilot of the new Pogue Mahone-DeHonte system of vote counting to increase democratic participation!

The upshot of all this is that you can support the Lilac Party today anywhere in Wirral, simply by ignoring what's printed on the ballot paper and writing

TUTTLE, Doris X

See you at the count.

Ironic that this week the Wirral Globe should come prematurely. Wednesday, a whole two days early. And Lusty Justy's written the lead 'story'.

Apparently there's going to be a golf match in Hoylake, Cheshire, later this year and the Council wants to spend half a million pounds of YOUR money on table decorations. But the brother of one of the Globe's fleet of cub reporters - I'll call him Nick Manning - has offered to do the whole thing for £100 and six Oxton Grand Lodge suppers.

But what makes this 'piece' so treasurable is that 'Mr Manning' used the words "It's potty", which Justy then wove magically into the headline

In a footnote, Justine wrote:

It only happens four or five times in a washed up career that an interviewee actually uses a newspaper cliche such as "It's potty", so it would be potty not to auction the original interview tape for the Globe Christmas Appeal.

I'm in for a fiver, Dunn.

I'm pleased to say that once again I've been selected from stiff competition to stand for the Lilac Party in Oxton.

My agent, Dougie, has rather stuffed up on the mailing list front, so I'm afraid you won't be getting my leaflet through your letter box. So for any floaters out there:

If elected, I shall work tirelessly on your council to:

1) Change the green wheelie bins to lilac

2) Take Oxton out of Prenton

3) Take Wirral out of Merseyside

4) Change the brown wheelie bins to lilac

5) Lift the Asbo on Dougie McLean (he had legitimate business on the Ladies Golf Course, and his bladder isn't what it was).

6) Take Merseyside out of Cheshire

7) Put Prenton into Wales

8) Take Wales out of Europe

This year Wirral is Open to All. And so shall I be.

So remember, for a Lilac Oxton:

Vote Doris Olivia Tuttle
Vote Early
Vote Often

It's May, and Oxton goes to the polls on Thursday to elect a new Liberal Democrat councillor.

I say new advisedly, because I've just had a lovely letter from Freda, who's retiring. "For the past eight years it has been my privilege to represent Oxton on Wirral Borough Council and those eight years have been among the most fulfilling of my life". Ah, bless!

"I shall certainly miss the many friends I have made in Oxton and I hope I have been able to make some small impact our local community". Oh, Freda dear, don't fret, you have made a small impact, you really have. But I shall always treasure the memory of you at my little soirees, cocoa dribbling off your chins onto my rattan rug.

"However, it is likely that I shall be moving down south in the next year or two." Oh, Freddie, cryptic as ever.

Lovely lady. No really. Face like a dessicated goat, but then we can't all know about black cohosh, can we?

"I must say the decision has been much easier, knowing that in Paula Southwood we have a first-rate candidate who will be an outstanding councillor if she is elected next Thursday." If she is elected? The LibDems could put up a lesbian paedophile asylum seeking gypsy glue sniffer in Oxton and they'd win. In fact I myself represented the Liberal interest for a number of years until I was deselected because of that unfortunate misunderstanding over hypothecation.

"She has slotted seamlessly into the FOCUS Team." Good to see that the old traditions are still alive! "Her energy and outgoing personality...." Quite. Still, good to see some new blood in the Village.

Talking of new blood, imagine my surprise at discovering the Libs have a new leader! And if it isn't old Minger Campbell!

I had the pleasure of meeting Minger at a particularly Liberal assembly in 1969. "Did you know I used to be the fastest white man on the planet?" he whispered in my ear at a fringe meeting on image recycling. And sure enough, that night he finished first again!

I've also received a leaflet (red, how quaint!) from the socialist. "Vote for David and a Labour Council which has.....". Labour Council? Muesli on my keyboard! Doesn't he know Wirral's been well hung for years?

More soon.

WIRRAL poets are being encouraged to enter their verses into a national anthology competition.

One poet will represent Wirral in the book. Entry to the competition is free and the Wirral winner will get a free copy of the book. The overall winner receives £1,000.

"The National Poetry Anthology is designed to encourage new writers," said its editor Peter Quinn. "It's now the biggest free-to-enter annual poetry contest in the UK.

"We picked 217 town winners last year but we want the new edition to include a winner from every town and village in the circulation area of the Wirral Globe. So far we haven't had enough entries from the area to achieve that."

To enter send three unpublished poems, on any subject (up to 20 lines and 160 words each) to United Press, Admail 3735, London, EC1B 1JB by the closing date of June 30. Enclose a loose stamp for a reply.

Well, I'm still too distraught after recent events to get beyond the first line.

Which is: "I really quite liked that young Justin"