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  • Poetry

    Do you have a favorite poet? I have, and her name is Pam Ayres. This is what she's written about our Deputy Prime Minister.

    I am ready Mr Prescott
    You can take me in your arms
    All these years I've waited
    To experience your charms
    So fling aside those trousers
    I hope they're quick release
    For all that hanky panky's
    Made you clinically obese

    I like a man of substance
    I like a man of size
    Especially when I'm measuring
    The bags beneath their eyes
    If anyone insulted me
    I have no doubt at all
    You'd leap to my defence
    And punch the blighter through the wall

    I like you Mr Prescott
    A constant watch I keep
    To see you on TV
    Sat next to Tony, fast asleep
    So I'm waiting Mr Prescott
    My toothbrush in my bag
    To see your chiselled jaw
    Behind the wheel of either Jag

    A man like you is dangerous
    A man like you is trouble
    Just like a row of houses
    You demolished me to rubble
    With one hand on the tiller
    As steady as a rock
    And the other disappearing
    Up the secretary's frock!

  • Out For The Count

    BIRKENHEAD NEWS EXCLUSIVE: There were unprecedented scenes last night as votes were counted at Wallasey Town Hall.

    Shortly after 2 a.m. Lillets Party candidate Mrs Doreen O'Tuttle (57) made a gracious concession speech, having failed to secure her target of three votes. She then settled into a corner seat to toast her success with a jeroboam of sweet sherry.

    'Peninsular'

    Shortly after, she was seen to be approached by international observer Jose Manuel Barrosso (63), believed to be from the Iberian Peninsular.
    "Madame Tottie, I embrace you. It is an honour 2 meet you, and I am 2 2 sorry that you have only managed 2 get 2 votes," he greeted her.

    'Prenton'

    At this, Dorothy (67) rose magnificently to her feet, and responded: "Embrace? Embrace?? I'll give you embrace, Mr Bare Arsehole!"

    Oblivious to the stunnned silence that had fallen over the chamber, O'Toole (49) continued with her tirade: "You come over here, you can't talk proper like we do in Eng-er-land, and you come from a country that's half the size of Prenton, you pervy little man".

    'Wrexham Line electrification always possible'

    Turning to the News, Mrs [that nutter candidate, you know, whatsername] then demanded: "Oi, you, with the Welsh look about you. You should be ashamed of yourself working for that bloody outfit. Did you used to be a Merseyrail guard?"

    Mr Barrosso (14) cried out at this point: "This is obviously a bogus candidate. I demand that you immediately summon the Asbo Cops!"

    'Juicy'

    An hour later, two community support officers (62 and 64) hobbled in. Mrs Tutu (75) fled to the far side of the chamber and hid behind the Borough Beadle (97).

    At this point a freestyle writer, Justice Done (39), offered to "point out the annoying old bat". Boris sprang forward and clasped the hack's forehead to her ample bust. "Juicy," she cried out,"how can you betray me like this? We've had our difficulties, I know, but you can't deny that we are as one soul in two bodies!"

    "Fucking. Well. Are. Not." snarled Dune (22).

    And with that he left.

  • And Don't Vote for Them

    Birkenhead MP "Mad Frankie" Field wants to round up 100 pensioners who can't pay their Council Tax and throw them in jail.

    Another reason not to vote for them.

  • Write In

    I've just been to do my democratic duty at Oxton St Saviour's Primary School for the Distressed Middle Classes, only to discover what a total and complete tits up Dougie has managed this year. Yes, he only forgot my nomination papers, so I'm not on the ballot!

    Well I got straight on the telephone to Lilac Party election supremo Hyacinth Dunnett and it turns out I'm in luck! Apparently Wirral's been chosen to pilot the new "write in whoever you fancy" scheme to increase democratic participation, so you can just "write me in"! And it gets better; Wirral's also been picked for a pilot of the new Pogue Mahone-DeHonte system of vote counting to increase democratic participation!

    The upshot of all this is that you can support the Lilac Party today anywhere in Wirral, simply by ignoring what's printed on the ballot paper and writing

    TUTTLE, Doris X
    at the bottom.

    See you at the count.

  • The Headline That Just Wrote Itself

    Ironic that this week the Wirral Globe should come prematurely. Wednesday, a whole two days early. And Lusty Justy's written the lead 'story'.

    Apparently there's going to be a golf match in Hoylake, Cheshire, later this year and the Council wants to spend half a million pounds of YOUR money on table decorations. But the brother of one of the Globe's fleet of cub reporters - I'll call him Nick Manning - has offered to do the whole thing for 100 and six Oxton Grand Lodge suppers.

    But what makes this 'piece' so treasurable is that 'Mr Manning' used the words "It's potty", which Justy then wove magically into the headline

    potty

    In a footnote, Justine wrote:

    It only happens four or five times in a washed up career that an interviewee actually uses a newspaper cliche such as "It's potty", so it would be potty not to auction the original interview tape for the Globe Christmas Appeal.

    I'm in for a fiver, Dunn.

  • Going Lilac

    I'm pleased to say that once again I've been selected from stiff competition to stand for the Lilac Party in Oxton.

    My agent, Dougie, has rather stuffed up on the mailing list front, so I'm afraid you won't be getting my leaflet through your letter box. So for any floaters out there:

    If elected, I shall work tirelessly on your council to:

    1) Change the green wheelie bins to lilac

    2) Take Oxton out of Prenton

    3) Take Wirral out of Merseyside

    4) Change the brown wheelie bins to lilac

    5) Lift the Asbo on Dougie McLean (he had legitimate business on the Ladies Golf Course, and his bladder isn't what it was).

    6) Take Merseyside out of Cheshire

    7) Put Prenton into Wales

    8) Take Wales out of Europe

    This year Wirral is Open to All. And so shall I be.

    So remember, for a Lilac Oxton:

    Vote Doris Olivia Tuttle
    Vote Early
    Vote Often

  • Having an Election

    It's May, and Oxton goes to the polls on Thursday to elect a new Liberal Democrat councillor.

    I say new advisedly, because I've just had a lovely letter from Freda, who's retiring. "For the past eight years it has been my privilege to represent Oxton on Wirral Borough Council and those eight years have been among the most fulfilling of my life". Ah, bless!

    "I shall certainly miss the many friends I have made in Oxton and I hope I have been able to make some small impact our local community". Oh, Freda dear, don't fret, you have made a small impact, you really have. But I shall always treasure the memory of you at my little soirees, cocoa dribbling off your chins onto my rattan rug.

    "However, it is likely that I shall be moving down south in the next year or two." Oh, Freddie, cryptic as ever.

    Lovely lady. No really. Face like a dessicated goat, but then we can't all know about black cohosh, can we?

    "I must say the decision has been much easier, knowing that in Paula Southwood we have a first-rate candidate who will be an outstanding councillor if she is elected next Thursday." If she is elected? The LibDems could put up a lesbian paedophile asylum seeking gypsy glue sniffer in Oxton and they'd win. In fact I myself represented the Liberal interest for a number of years until I was deselected because of that unfortunate misunderstanding over hypothecation.

    "She has slotted seamlessly into the FOCUS Team." Good to see that the old traditions are still alive! "Her energy and outgoing personality...." Quite. Still, good to see some new blood in the Village.

    Talking of new blood, imagine my surprise at discovering the Libs have a new leader! And if it isn't old Minger Campbell!

    I had the pleasure of meeting Minger at a particularly Liberal assembly in 1969. "Did you know I used to be the fastest white man on the planet?" he whispered in my ear at a fringe meeting on image recycling. And sure enough, that night he finished first again!

    I've also received a leaflet (red, how quaint!) from the socialist. "Vote for David and a Labour Council which has.....". Labour Council? Muesli on my keyboard! Doesn't he know Wirral's been well hung for years?

    More soon.

  • Help Me Out Here

    WIRRAL poets are being encouraged to enter their verses into a national anthology competition.

    One poet will represent Wirral in the book. Entry to the competition is free and the Wirral winner will get a free copy of the book. The overall winner receives 1,000.

    "The National Poetry Anthology is designed to encourage new writers," said its editor Peter Quinn. "It's now the biggest free-to-enter annual poetry contest in the UK.

    "We picked 217 town winners last year but we want the new edition to include a winner from every town and village in the circulation area of the Wirral Globe. So far we haven't had enough entries from the area to achieve that."

    To enter send three unpublished poems, on any subject (up to 20 lines and 160 words each) to United Press, Admail 3735, London, EC1B 1JB by the closing date of June 30. Enclose a loose stamp for a reply.

    Well, I'm still too distraught after recent events to get beyond the first line.

    Which is: "I really quite liked that young Justin"

  • Motivated by Money? Not Me.

    BIRKENHEAD NEWS EXCLUSIVE: The secretary who became Justin Dunn's lover has spoken for the first time about their illicit relationship - and how shamelessly he exploited the trappings of power to seduce her and use her for sex.

    Doris Tuttle, 57, revealed how, with astonishing recklessness, Mr Dunn demanded sex from her in his grand Office of the Deputy Editor while journalists worked outside.

    The couple would regularly grope and grapple during the working day and she had repeated assignations with him at his plush Globe Towers apartment - once, shockingly, after a solemn memorial service.

    Mr Dunn would frequently interrupt his editorial business to caress his mistress or to engage in sexual banter. When unable to be together physically, they had coldly sordid phone sex.

    'Regularly grope during working day'

    But it is the disclosure of their encounters within the hushed nerve centre of local journalism that will shock readers. Speaking exclusively to the Birkenhead News, she said: "We were very lucky we were never caught - as we never shut the door. I knew what we were doing was risky but we both got carried away. Seven journalists worked right outside his office.

    "Of course there were moments when I thought, 'I shouldn't be doing this. I also thought how surprised and shocked people would be if this ever got out."

    Doris believes that the disclosure of the affair was orchestrated by an embittered rival of the Deputy Editor in an attempt to bring him down.

    'A sexually charged atmosphere'

    But, while he has been protected by the full might of the Newsquest machine, she feels that she has been abandoned. She revealed that as news of the affair broke, she received a single, brief telephone call from Mr Dunn.

    The moment he established that she was "on-side", however, he disappeared.

    She has since been portrayed as a faithless party girl.

    Doris said: "I feel I have been used and am being used as a scapegoat. I have had no Press spokesman, or representative to help me, even though I have sent the Globe several desperate messages. Basically I've said, 'Help. I'm falling to pieces here.'

    "But they have abandoned me and hung me out to dry. I have been left completely alone. I am not the siren I have been painted - I have only had eight lovers in my life. And this was a private affair."

    Doris is fond of Dunn. She continues to insist that "he is really a lovely, caring man". But the way he callously betrayed Mrs Juzzzy with a woman 22 years his senior tells a very different story.

    Doris was a highly regarded secretary of 20 years when she started to work for Justin Dunn in May 2001.

    The following year, when the Office of the Deputy Editor was created, she became his assistant private secretary and pizza manager.

    She was delighted with the appointment and said: "I liked working for him. I felt privileged.

    "We got on very well. I am quite a flirty, touchy sort of person. We had adjoining offices and I was in and out of his office countless times a day; I would rub his arm when he went past me and he would do the same to me.

    "But it was all open, in front of people, and I think they just accepted we got on really well. He was tactile with everyone.

    "Justin knew he could trust me and he knew I was good at my job. I wouldn't say there was a sexually charged atmosphere, but we got on very well."

    The first time she had to take pizza to his flat at Globe Towers, however, in May 2002, things were to change dramatically.

    Doris said: "Security is tight. You knock at the outer door, a guard opens it, looks at your pass and lets you in. Inside, there is a big hallway and I had to go to the lift and catch it to the second floor.

    "Inside there is another hallway and a big living room with a walnut desk with family pictures on it - Justin is a great family man.

    "It was the first time I had been there, and he leaned forward and cupped my face in his hands. I froze. He said, 'I probably shouldn't have done that.' And I said, 'No you shouldn't.' Then I left.

    "I don't really know how I felt. Surprised I suppose. Certainly if anyone had said to me five years ago that I would end up having an affair with Justin Dunn, I would have laughed and said, 'You're joking. He is so much younger and not really my type.

    "But I have always liked men who made me laugh and he used to make me laugh at work all the time. He's witty and warm and very popular with the staff. Over the weeks we just got closer and closer."

    It was some time in the next few months that the pair's flirtatious office friendship became a fullblown affair. Doris, an obsessive diary-keeper, chronicled their developing relationship in unflinching detail.

    An entry of December 19 that year describes a typical evening with her boss. "I went back to his flat... As I walked in, he started kissing and...

    "Afterwards, I said to him, 'No regrets?' He said no and asked me the same thing. I said no, too."

    Doris's office had a connecting door to the Deputy Editor's and she would be in and out of his office countless times a day.

    "It was a fun place to work," she said. "There was lots of socialising among the staff after work - though not with the DE. I would walk through his door into his office dozens of times a day."

    Ahead of her, she would see his meeting table with chairs, alongside which were two sofas in an L-shape.

    On the left-hand wall was his desk; the scene was surveyed by a portrait of Piers Morgan.

    Doris said: "When I went into his office for diary meetings, if I was wearing a skirt he would slide his hand up my leg, under it. He used to stroke my back. And, yes, I did give him sex in the office a couple of times.

    "He would usually be going through his cuttings file - maybe things to do with phone masts, or dogging.

    "Things always started with us touching. It might have been me touching his arm, or him patting me on the back. I would go in for some task with the diary. Sometimes the touch would start something, we would kiss and things would go on from there.

    "We were very lucky we were never caught - as we never shut the door. Sometimes it was behind the desk - but mainly we stood behind the open door." She admits that there were colleagues working right outside.

    "Anyone could have walked in," she said. "There were people working outside. It was quite risky."

    Afterwards, the couple would cuddle or kiss, before returning to their work.

    On another occasion, she recorded in her diary that Dunn "got frisky" in the Newsquest Boardroom.

    "I went in to take some notes, and he touched my breasts and started kissing me," she said.

    But didn't their activities get in the way of Globe business? "We were both busy with our jobs, but we sometimes managed to squeeze in sex," says Doris. She considers. "I don't think it interfered with our work," she adds.

    Doris insists the relationship was not one-sided, but in her diaries there is almost palpable disappointment on more than one occasion when she records Dunn was struggling to perform.

    She said she used to worry about Dunn's health. "He was a lot younger than me yet I used to worry about his health . . . that something would happen to him."

    Doris would go to his flat sometimes twice a week. But other times the couple would not meet for weeks. "There was no pattern," she said. "It was usually spontaneous. I would stay no more than an hour. We would have sex. We never talked about politics, or his wife or family. It was just general chit-chat."

    Doris insists that Dunn - whom she affectionately referred to as DE - was always "very tender and caring".

    Yet it is clear that after sex, he had little further use for her. No conversation with him sticks in her mind.

    And she was never invited to hang around for long. She did not stay a single night with him. "I always went home," she said. "There seemed no point in staying, though this was never discussed. It was just the way we did things. There wasn't a need to stay."

    What she fails to accept is that sleeping with the Deputy Editor, an apparently happily married man, could never be a private or innocent matter.

    She believes that nobody in the ODE knew of their affair - despite the now-notorious pictures of her flirting and falling over with him at a Christmas party in 2002.

    These emerged this week when a tabloid newspaper revealed their affair.

    Ironically those pictures were taken on her own camera - and, she believes, removed from her mansion by her now ex-partner, Dougie "Gardens" McLean.

    That night, she says, she and the DE did not have sex after she and about nine other people went up to his Globe Towers flat for his home-made bacon butties.

    But on the dance floor, during the night, he had been whispering outrageous things in her ear.

    The next day, as he lay on a sofa, his astonished staff began talking of what they believed was going on between them.

    "I did hear a whisper that I had snogged Justin Dunn in the lift the night of the Christmas party, and that I had nuzzled his neck," Doris said.

    "This is strictly untrue. I was furious about it and concluded that people were just jealous of the fact we got on so well. And I told Justin and he was furious too."

    Doris said: "I was very upset, because it wasn't true. Even if we were having sex, we wouldn't have been stupid enough to do something like that. We're not stupid people. When I told Justin Dunn he screamed, 'What!' I could tell by his face he was livid and I just backed off.

    "I would have thought he would have spoken to people about this - to correct it as it was so wrong. It's the kind of thing I'd expect him to do but I don't know if he did."

    Doris still believes that Justin Dunn cared for her - though he never gave her any gifts. And she considers he is genuinely contrite about hurting his wife and family.

    "I do think he is sincere in his apology," she said. "He is a family man. And I think he genuinely cared for me, otherwise he would never have done the things we did.

    "I couldn't have done them without caring for him and I like to think he is the same."

    The affair lasted over two years - fading away", as Doris put it. "It just got to the point where I didn't really want to have sex any more," she said. "But we were still very close. Still great friends."

    "Nobody in my department knew," she said. "So certainly none of the Newsquest board did."

    But Doris also had a close relationship with Mrs Juzzzy. How could she betray her?

    "I don't know," she says. "I never wanted to hurt her and I never wanted to break up the marriage.

    "Mrs J is a fantastic person. I loved her too. We had a great relationship and I know she will be devastated. I do feel bad about that. I couldn't look at her now."

    'Mrs Juzzzy was friendly and unsuspecting'

    She says Mrs Juzzzy was always friendly - and, she believes, completely unsuspecting.

    So why did she continue the affair for almost two years? Doris is at a loss to explain it, even, it seems, to herself.

    "He was just a great boss and I enjoyed the attention he gave me. But I wasn't into the whole power thing.

    "It wasn't like I went home thinking, 'Oh my God, I'm sleeping with the Deputy Editor. I don't think I was looking for a toy boy either.'

    "I truthfully don't know why I did it. I think I liked the attention and feeling cared for."

    Doris thought the affair was well behind her when she learned it was about to be exposed in a tabloid newspaper, last Monday night.

    "My boyfriend Dougie had been behaving suspiciously when I was over at his house. He had already left me a note the day before saying: "You slept with the DE."

    "He claimed I had talked about it in my sleep on the Saturday night," she said. "I do talk in my sleep. But on the Monday night I had this suspicion he was taping me.

    "Then he told me he'd read my diaries. Then I saw a letter from a newspaper on the table. Then the DE's Press officer began calling me telling me the Press was going to run this story.

    "It was terrifying. I was asking the ODE for support. Their Press officer kept calling me. He said, 'Doris, I'm trying to help you. You must be completely honest with me and tell me everything.' But I realised later that he just wanted all the information I had - he didn't want to help me at all.

    "After he got what he wanted, he didn't respond to my text messages for help, at all."

    Justin Dunn also called her that Monday night. Doris felt touched that he cared, but the call was curt and to the point.

    "You all right, love?" he asked her. Doris replied: "Yes I am but I'm not." He said: "It'll be all right."

    Doris shrugs sadly, confronted by the fact that perhaps all Mr Dunn cared about was himself.

    Doris fled the country, with the help of the boyfriend who had sold her story to the Press.

    Extraordinarily, he still thinks she will go back to him "once all this has quietened down".

    But Doris now faces a highly uncertain future.

    Only last Friday, she received a letter from Newsquest saying that while her return to work would be handled "as sensitively as possible", the Globe would fully understand if she wanted to take further time off work.

    In the interim she has been offered special leave with full pay.

    But the secretary is feeling far from reassured. "I have had no support. They have to find me a new position - I haven't done anything criminal.

    "But how am I going to face colleagues back at the paper after all this? It could have been so different."

    Doris never even asked Dunn whether he had had other affairs. "I didn't want to know," she said. "And he didn't talk about it. But I find it unlikely that I am the first or that I will be the last.

    "But that didn't bother me."

    So, what, precisely had she got out of the affair? "I don't know really," she said. "It just sort of happened. It wasn't like I was thinking of his power, or that I could make money out of it. I am a very loyal person."

    Doris had an on-again off-again relationship with her boyfriend Dougie, a retired academic, for over six years. But the commuting from her home in Oxton for an 8am start, when her working day would not end until 8pm, had been wearing her down.

    So she rented a room in Hamilton Square where she began spending most of the week. She shared this flat with Dunn's leading Press secretary George Grinder - the man who she feels has let her down so badly this week.

    "I never brought anybody home, except a close girlfriend, the only person I confided in about the affair," she said.

    "When I told her she was like - 'Bloody hell, Dor, what have you done?' But I kept it a big secret. I never even told my mother."

    She does not believe that Dougie learned about the affair through her talking in her sleep. "The things he said I said I simply would never say," she said.

    Instead, she suspects a more sinister political agenda. "I think someone suggested it to him - maybe someone from within the paper," she said, "someone who wanted to make a victim of Justin Dunn."

    She has, however, no idea who that person could be. Or, naively, what they might have hoped to achieve from it.

    But she began to realise the Globe was panicking when the Press officer called her repeatedly last Monday night.

    "Say nothing," he told her. "Just keep shtoom. Don't worry, we'll look after you."

    She said: "He wanted all the details that were in the diaries and I told him everything he wanted to know. He said he needed the information to protect me - but now I realise they were just trying to protect themselves.

    "When I was texting, desperate for help, I was getting no response. Then I was just told, 'We'll see you back in work next week.'"

    Her mother Gloria, who lives in the South of France with Doris's stepfather Vincent, has also been very wounded by the way Doris has been portrayed. She encouraged her daughter to speak out, to set the record straight.

    And she straightforwardly blames one person - Justin Dunn.

    "I think she has been used," she said. "And no one from the Globe has supported her. She has been left on her own to cope with all of this."

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